


what part of this is okay?

by disarmingly



Series: daisuga week 2014 [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Character Death, M/M, Mentions of Sex, a mess, and here i am, but here we are, i don't even know why i did this to myself, really the fact it's an snk au should give you warning enough, snk aus, sobs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-11
Updated: 2014-09-11
Packaged: 2018-02-17 00:31:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2290379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disarmingly/pseuds/disarmingly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s not really fair, is it? Looking out from the walls of the castle that serves as the Scouting Legion’s home base and hoping for more recruits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	what part of this is okay?

**Author's Note:**

> written for the au day of daisuga week! though I wasn't sure if it should have gone under crossover or not. whoops?

It’s not really fair, is it? Looking out from the walls of the castle that serves as the Scouting Legion’s home base and hoping for more recruits.

He’d sent Tanaka out to retrieve them, and they were due any moment, a group on horseback appearing through the trees. Daichi stares, brow furrowed, before allowing himself the moment to sigh - his hands moving to his face, rubbing harshly in hopes it’d wake him up. When the new recruits got there, he was in charge of the tour. An overview of the training they’d start the next day, the classes they’d be expected to take.

There’s a lump in his chest when he realizes these might be their last few months alive.

He was promoted to Squad leader just weeks before - an easy mission gone wrong and taking the lives of more men than they had to spare, his Squad leader being one of them. The Commander had called Daichi into his office before the survivors had even returned, muttering with his eyes still on the paperwork that  _it’s your job, now. New soldiers will be arriving soon, and they’ll be immediately added to your squad._ Daichi thanked the Commander, bowing his head as he stepped out the door, and that was that.

And here he was, now, waiting for the soldiers he’d be in charge of. The lives that were in his hands. It was a weight he wasn’t sure he was ready to carry, but he didn’t really have a choice in the matter.

Just as he drags his hands away from his face, he feels a presence come to stand in next to him, mirroring Daichi’s stance with elbows on the ridge that runs along the top walls of the castle, eyes to the trees. It should be a little embarrassing, really, how easily the stress starts to seep off his shoulders at the addition of Suga by his side. He hasn’t even said anything, made any movement at all, and yet Daichi feels like he can breathe again.

“Tanaka’s running late, hmm?”

Daichi nods, his attention back to the trees. The road. Their future. Suga must notice the tension in Daichi’s jaw, because he gives a soft puff of a laugh, leaning over to bump his shoulder.

“Tanaka’s  _always_  late, they’ll be fine.”

He doesn’t move away after the bump, though, a soft pressure at Daichi’s shoulder. When Daichi closes his eyes, he sees their first day, coming up over that hill on horseback, side by side. There was no promise that they’d survive this long, no promise of anything at all – only that they’d be fighting for humanity in the last battlefield left.

They were the last line of defense, the only line of defense, the only thing standing between extinction and survival.

Daichi and Suga and Asahi had made that decision when they graduated, Tanaka and Nishinoya and Ennoshita and a few others the year after them. Now they were bringing in a new set of soldiers, and it was Daichi’s responsibility to prepare them for outside of the wall.

“You’re quiet.”

When Daichi glances over, Suga’s watching him with serious eyes. The kind of eyes that slip right past Daichi’s defenses, right under his skin. Daichi sighs and gives him a small smile, a tired smile, and it eases some of the tension.

“Sorry, thinking.”

Suga nods, glancing out to the tree-line again before his eyes return to Daichi. He reaches out and sets his hand on Daichi’s arm. The warmth of it makes it through even the heavy material of their jackets, settling in Daichi’s gut. It’s moments like this that keep Daichi standing, on some days. Even more so since his promotion. Suga’s support is really the only reason he’s able to walk into the meetings with the commanders, the other squad leaders.

“They made their decision.” Is what Suga says, quiet but firm. “Just like we did.”

“I know, but-”

Suga squeezes Daichi’s arm, once, just enough to get his attention.

“All you have to do is lead them.  _That’s_  your job.”

Daichi opens his mouth to respond, something about how his job is also to keep them from  _dying_ , but he hears a distant sound of neighing. Horse hooves. They’re here.

So instead of responding, he just holds Suga’s eyes. One moment, two moments, and then he nods back. “Okay.”

When Suga lets go of his arm, he feels a little taller. A little more steadfast in the way he holds his shoulders. That’s when he turns to head to the stairs, moving with purposeful steps, determined movements. Suga is only a step or two behind him, mirroring him in a little softer way.

The sounds of their footsteps echo in the stairway, and Daichi pushes away any kind of self-consciousness reserved solely for private moments (and Suga’s ears), preparing himself for the tour. To answer questions.

It’s time to meet his new squad.

—————

They’re incredibly talented.

That’s the first thing Daichi notices, after taking the new soldiers through their first few days – introducing them to the other squads and squad leaders, showing them the training grounds and meeting spaces. Suga’s the one who takes them to their rooms, shows them around the living areas, explains the little things that Daichi sometimes forgets.

“Don’t get attached.” Is the advice Commander Ukai gives, behind his stack of paperwork and pipe hanging out of his mouth. “Wait until the first mission. The ones that can survive, the ones that come  _back_ , those are worth your notice.”

Those words are hard to swallow, and a little impossible to accomplish, considering they have to pick squads before then. The next mission is in three months, nowhere near enough time to train them but too long to keep them grounded.

They’re going, they have to go, and the squads have to pick their soldiers.

Daichi is eyeing a few of them already – two who seems to have some kind of history, some kind of rivalry, that’s written in the tension in their shoulders and their loud, competitive streaks, and then another two who fly a little more under the radar. He meets with the other leaders every few days to talk over who wants who, who would work best with who, and by the end of the first month they’re all split up.

“I liked these four.” Suga says, leaning back in his chair. It’s late, or maybe early, but Daichi can’t sleep. Suga, of course, sensed it and came to find his squad leader, joining him at one of the tables in the mess hall. “They’ll work well with the team.”

“Kuroo really wants Tsukishima, but I don’t…”

Daichi trails off, staring down at his cup of coffee, head spinning. What if he makes the wrong decisions? What if he picks people who would better with another crew? There are too many possibilities and chances and potentials swirling through his mind, that he almost doesn’t hear Suga when he tries to interject.

“Daichi.”

“And Tsukishima and Kageyama won’t work together, they  _hate_  each other, and Hina-”

“ _Daichi_.”

He stops, then, looking up at Suga and feeling the exhaustion pull at his arms, his legs. He should sleep, but he also has to be up in an hour or so to meet for the last time with the other leaders, Commander Ukai and Captain Takeda.

Suga smiles, though, and Daichi lets out a sigh he’d been holding in, feels his muscles relax. He wants to hold him- wants to bring Suga back to his bedroom and push him into the mattress. He wants to push all these responsibilities off on someone else because Daichi hasn’t had a  _day_  to himself in months.

What they have was started up not long after they were both brought into the Scouting Legion – a comment that an older soldier said about  _using your time wisely_ and  _never know when you’re going to die_. Daichi remembers their first mission, remembers the adrenaline that spurred them on and the excitement he felt standing on the shoulders of his first Titan. He remembers maneuvering through the trees and taking down more, and more, and  _more_. He was invincible, unbeatable, and then he ran out of gas.

Looking up at a Titan from the ground is an image that still keeps him up at night, shakes him from sleep in a cold sweat. He was defenseless, nearing death, and then there’d been Suga.

It was another few days before they were back inside the walls, and Daichi doesn’t remember much of it. He remembers Suga- Suga bringing him up into the trees, Suga helping to get another empty canister. Suga shaking him when he wouldn’t move and yelling at him when he wouldn’t speak and kissing him, up in those treetops, holding back tears of relief and terror and everything mixed between.

The mission was a failure, more lives lost than information gained, but when Suga slips his hand in Daichi’s as they’re standing at the base of the stage, hearing a speech from Ukai about the importance of this legion, this  _group_ , he remembers thinking that maybe there’s something worth saving.

Because that’s the struggle, isn’t it? New soldiers faced with death and destruction, faced with the extinction of humankind, sometimes need things a little easier to hold onto. There are those with bigger dreams, wider scopes, who are ready to devote themselves to humankind at large and that’s all they need. And then there’s everyone else, who need some _one_ , or some _thing_ , that’s more concrete and easy to hold onto. That isn’t an ideal, isn’t an abstract. Daichi thought, for a long time, that he could have that large image of the world – he was saving  _the world_ , what could be more noble than that? – but he was wrong. Facing a Titan had taught him that.

With Suga at his side, Suga to smile at and hold onto, he now knows what it means to fight for your lives, for the lives of  _many_. Because it’s not just about some concept, it’s about  _Suga_.

And now that he’s got a squad of his own, is about  _them_. Daichi’s not fighting for himself, and he can’t carry the weight of the world. But maybe, just maybe, he can carry his squad.

So Daichi nods at Suga, pulls himself together, because he has to, because he doesn’t have a choice. There’s no time to be selfish tonight, despite the way Suga looks at him and  _knows_. There’s no time, but maybe there will be after.  _When_  they get back.

Suga gets up after that, standing and straightening the straps around his waist. Daichi sits up a bit straighter, ready to get up as well, when he feels Suga kiss the top of his head.

“Don’t forget Yamaguchi.”

Daichi’s brow furrows, confused. He looks up to Suga with that expression, too, because Yamaguchi wasn’t even on his list. “What?” In comparison to the other three, Yamaguchi didn’t even compare. He was decent, sure, could keep up in the gear but didn’t have nearly as much talent. He wasn’t even a back-up, though Daichi remembered he spent a lot of time with Tsukishima.

Suga shrugs, heading for the door and leaving Daichi in his state of confusion. He’s almout out into the hall when he turns back, flashing a more mischievous look. “Just trust me.”

Daichi does.

—————

The first mission is, surprisingly, a huge success.

Or as much of a success as missions outside of the wall can be. They don’t lose anyone, which is where Daichi considers it a success in the first place, and they return with information. With  _something_. Ukai seems to be pleased with how things turned out, buzzing with his own sense of accomplishment, and Daichi can’t help but smile.

His team did surprisingly well together, Yamaguchi proving to be important to Tsukishima’s willingness to as much as listen.

They come back, they give their report, and Ukai gives them the next two days off.

“For your hard work.” He says with a smile, seemingly proud of himself for the team Daichi had put together. Daichi nods, thanks him for the holiday and goes to tell the others.

Hinata wants to know if they’re still allowed to use the training grounds, Kageyama yells at him about needing to practice his flip-motion, and the team disperses- all except for Suga, who steps in behind Daichi once everyone has left.

Steps in, and wraps his arms around his middle, setting his chin on Daichi’s shoulder.

“Not bad for your first time, Squad Leader.”

There’s a tilt to his words at the title, and Daichi smiles, leaning back into Suga’s chest. “No one died. That’s always a good sign.”

There’s a puff of air that Daichi assumes is a laugh as Suga leans in to nose at the line of his neck, right above his collar. Daichi’s hands settle over Suga’s arms, sliding down until he can interlock their fingers. Suga squeezes, gently, before he presses a kiss to Daichi’s neck. “Let’s go back to your room.” The tone of his voice has dropped, coated in something that goes straight to Daichi’s gut.

But, as always, his responsibilities hang over his head. “Ukai needs me-”

“Commander told you to take a break. You’re taking a break.” And then, as if to extenuate his point, Suga steps away – smacking Daichi’s ass once, hard, before turning and walking off down the hallway. Daichi’s eyes follow, and his feet not long after.

He can take the day off, for now.

—————

He should have known they’d get cocky.

Because the new recruits don’t really know what it’s like, do they? Their first mission, then their second, and even their third and fourth all go well. There are a few injuries, they watch someone on another squad fall to the Titans, but that’s about it.

They don’t  _know_ , and maybe that’s Daichi’s fault, for thinking he could protect them from that side of things. That if,  _if_ , he could help them avoid the darkest parts of this war, then maybe they could survive.

But they got cocky, they got confident, and all it took was one wrong move out beyond the wall and he loses half his team.  _Half_  his squad. The people he was responsible for, the ones he should have trained better, prepared better.

Nishinoya watched Asahi lose his arm, Tanaka sacrificed himself to save Kiyoko. No one could find Enoshida, Kageyama is still out-cold, Hinata hasn’t spoken and Daichi feels their eyes on him, feels it bear down on him like weights, like a solid wall on his shoulders.

He debriefs Ukai, watches him take in the information with cold eyes. A visible tension pulling at the muscles of his face, a fight to remain calm. If Daichi didn’t know any better, he’d say Ukai had been thinking much of the same.

 _They should have seen it coming_.

“You’re dismissed.” Is what he says, though, and Daichi nods. Leaves in as much of a hurry as he can manage without running, and nearly runs over Suga standing in the hallway.

“How’d it go?”

Daichi hesitates, thinks about answering him, but decides against it with a duck of his head as he continues to walk. Suga follows, his feet moving a little bit faster to keep up with Daichi’s strides, not taking the silence as an answer.

“Daichi, talk to me. What’d he say? Any news on Kageyama?” Daichi just keeps walking, unable to bring himself to look at Suga, let alone answer his questions. They make it down the hallway, up the stairs, out into the courtyard and  _finally_  Suga’s had enough, reaching out to grab Daichi’s jacket and twist him around. There’s a tightness to his forehead, a downturn to his lips.

“ _What happened_?”

“Nothing!” Daichi ends up snapping, which throws both Suga and himself for a bit of a loop. He tries to take a step back, to put some space between the two of them, but Suga won’t let him, the confusion so loud on his face that Daichi just keeps talking. “Nothing  _happened_. He listened to the report and took down some notes and sent me on my way. Kageyama hasn’t changed, Asahi hasn’t changed,  _nothing has changed_.”

And that’s what gets to him. That’s what has Daichi so unraveled, so unstable. Those had been, still are,  _his men_. His soldiers. His responsibility. Now they’re gone, dead, and Ukai didn’t so much as blink. Just another day in the ranks of the Scouting Legion, just another mission. Daichi has to turn away from Suga, then, and close his eyes as his hands ball up into fists at his side, because it’s  _his fault_. He could have protected them and he didn’t, and it’s  _his fault_.

“Daichi-”

“ _No_. Don’t tell me it’s not my fault, don’t tell me they knew what they were getting into.  _No one_  knows what they’re getting into. We’re losing this war, Suga, can’t you see that? Can’t you  _tell_? We were the  _only_  squad who wasn’t losing soldiers on every mission, we were tempting  _fate_  and now that fate has caught up, what’s left? For the Titans to pick us off? What about this is  _okay_?”

It’s like letting air out of a balloon, the way his words spill off his tongue, and Daichi can feel himself deflate. Can feel that tension leave him with each breath, each word. By the end, he’s breathing a little heavier, but he’s empty.

And Suga is still standing there, expression unreadable, and Daichi feels that slow burn of embarrassment creep up in him. He can’t quite hold Suga’s eyes – unjudgemental as they may be – because he knows exactly what Suga will say. Exactly what  _should_  be said, something along the lines of  _you’re letting the stress get to you. You’re better than this. You have to set a good example. You **can’t**  fall apart._

Daichi takes a breath, about to apologize, when Suga shakes his head- silencing the other.

“You’re right.”

Daichi blinks, unsure of what he means. Suga continues, expression shifting into something a little more empathetic, a little softer.

“This isn’t okay. None of this is okay. But that’s why we’re here, isn’t it?” Daichi’s eyes fall to the ground, still embarrassed, still exhausted, and Suga takes the time to close the distance between them. To reach over and tilt Daichi’s chin back over to him. “You’re blaming yourself for what happened, we all know. But you’re also the only reason the rest of us got out of there alive.”

“Suga…”

“None of us would be standing here, right now, if it weren’t for you. So give yourself a little more credit, alright?” The smile Suga gives them is soft, fond. This thumb runs across the skin on Daichi’s jaw, gentle but firm.

There’s a stubborn part of Daichi that wants to argue, a little voice in the back of his head saying  _no, why would I? I don’t deserve anything_. But instead of speaking on that voice, Daichi finds himself saying something else. A continuation of the thought. “I don’t deserve you.”

Suga laughs a bit at that, eyes going from his own thumb back up to Daichi’s eyes, and then there’s that smile. A little cheeky, but entirely Suga, and it hits Daichi like a ton of bricks just how much he loves this man standing in front of him.

“Maybe not-” Suga starts, leaning in to give Daichi a quick kiss. A tease, more than anything, and Daichi feels the last bit of stress leave his body. “But you’re stuck with me.”

He thinks about saying it – the words on the tip of his tongue – but Suga takes his hands and tugs him back towards the doors and all that comes out is “I guess I am.”

Next time.

—————

Next time, it turns out, is also the last time.

The mission starts off easily enough – five months after the last one, enough time to lick their wounds and pull themselves together. Daichi doesn’t have another breakdown in that span, something about being able to get it off his chest giving him the strength to move past it, and Suga simple occupies that spot to his right.

But they manage – Kageyama wakes up and Hinata slowly starts eating again and they start to resemble a team. A few members short – a few  _key_  members short – but a team.

Then they get their next mission, a request to capture but not kill two titans, comes through a few months after. Not necessarily a complicated mission, but one that required planning. Skill. Daichi was a little surprised that his squad was the one picked for such a mission, but he accepted it and moved on.

He doesn’t even know if there’s anything, or anyone, to blame.

It should be simple enough – one half of the team heads inside the forest, sets up the traps. The other half sticks to the tree-line, keeps any other Titans from entering. From there, they draw in a Titan, bring it directly into the trap, and then repeat. There were a series of communication measures that had been taken to bring in back-up – a second and third team that would be following them just a day or so behind. All they had to do was survive. Set up the traps, keep everyone together, and if they were unable to capture anything the other soldiers would assist.

It was simple, in theory, which meant that in practice it was anything but.

They had no way to know about the multitude of Deviant Types hidden in the forest. No way to scout out their movements, where they would be and when. It wasn’t until the plan was already in motion, the team split with Daichi, Suga, Hinata, Kageyama and Nishinoya inside the forest and Kiyoko, Yachi, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi to the perimeter, that things started to go wrong.

Daichi hangs from a limb in the tree-tops, staring out in every direction he can, _waiting_. Hinata is on the ground, bleeding, out-cold, as Kageyama and Nishinoya keep him protected. There’s a whistle of 3D gear wires, and Suga appears next to Daichi, out of breath and beaten up, just like Daichi.

They’ve been fighting off Titans for hours, it seems, and more keep appearing. He doesn’t know anything about the perimeter team, doesn’t know if they’re alive or dead, and he doesn’t know how they’re supposed to get out of this.

Suga’s breathing heavily as well, hanging just a couple of feet off to Daichi’s right, when Daichi feels a hand around his arm.

“Daichi.”

Daichi turns to Suga, following his eyes through the trees. He doesn’t have the same eyesight as Suga, can’t quite make out what has Suga’s attention, but he can hear it.

Footsteps. Multiple.  _Titans_.

Daichi’s hands tighten around his blades – his last two – as he looks back down to the other three. Hinata is useless in terms of moving, and he doubts Kageyama has enough gas to carry him alone. He needs time to figure out how to get them all moving, how to get them out of the Titan’s direct line of sight, how-

Suga moves, and it’s pure instinct that has Daichi reaching out to grab his forearm, hold him in place. The look he’s graced with after that is sharp, annoyed, like Daichi someone offended Suga by stopping him, but Daichi meets it in kind, eyes narrowed.

“Where are you going?”

Suga turns back to look into the forest, jaw tight. “If I leave now, I can distract them.” Daichi’s eyes widen.  _Them_? But Suga doesn’t give him the time to interrupt, jerking his arm back. “You take the other three back to the tree-line. If you leave now you can make it there before nightfall. Get on the horses, start back off towards-”

“And what about you?” Daichi’s voice is hoarse when it finally comes out, more of a bark than anything. Suga jerks a bit with the force of it, but stands firm.

“What about me?”

The panic that had become a normal state of being since the first of the Titans appeared tightens in Daichi’s chest, his eyes wild, desperate. “We don’t have enough horses, you know that. And if you go after the Titans on your own…”

Suga’s lips press into a thin line.

The Titans continue to close the distance, now close enough that Daichi is sure he can feel the beating in the trees. The silence is enough of an answer for Daichi to start to understand, but accept?

“No. I’m not letting you.”

“ _Daichi_.”

“ _No_.” He’s almost yelling now, but Suga barely notices, his own eyes wide. “I’m not letting you do this. We need you back at the base,  _I_  need-”

Daichi’s taken aback by the hand that shoots out and grabs his jacket, jerking him forward. When his lips meet Suga’s, he’s still in shock, confused and lost and _panicking_. But his body takes over, then, moving both handles of his blades to one hand so he can reach out and grab at the back of Suga’s neck, pull him closer.

The kiss is more desperate than their’s tend to be. More bite than kiss, more need to touch than need to feel. Daichi can’t tell if the wetness he feels on his cheek are his own tears, or Suga’s, or maybe just sweat from their earlier fighting. Either way, they hang there, suspended, kissing like it’s the last chance they’ll get (because it is) and refusing to let go.

It ends too quickly, as far as Daichi’s concerned, with Suga pulling away and Daichi trying to follow. The only thing that stops him is the hand on his chest, pushing him back, and when he opens his eyes he sees Suga, beautiful, perfect,  _Suga_.

He’s not crying, so it must be Daichi, a single stream falling from the corner of his eye.

“Suga-”

“Save our squad.” Suga’s hand on Daichi’s chest hovers for another moment or two, his fingers lifting like he’s trying to convince himself to let go. “Save  _humanity_.”

When he starts to pull away, Daichi grabs his wrist, too aware of the pounding in his head – is it footsteps, or his heart? Does it matter? – and they sit there, staring, for another second.

“I love you.” Daichi finally says, voice shaking, hand tightening on Suga’s wrist.

Suga’s smile is sad, quivers just a bit, before he pulls his hand away. Resettles in his gear, prepares to take off. He hasn’t dropped his gaze from Daichi, hasn’t broken eye contact.

“I’ve always loved you.”

Daichi watches Suga shoot off into the darkness, unable to move for a few heartbeats. But then he shakes his head, his own wires firing into the surrounding trees.

The mission report states only a single life lost for that mission: a success, as far as the paperwork is concerned.

Daichi doesn’t agree.


End file.
